Top 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Work
      
1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in
   that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement
   and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out
     a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
15. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

How to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Work Place

1.   Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2.   Find out where your  boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
3.   Always wear them one day after your boss does.   (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
4.   Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only
by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky."   "No, I'm sorry
I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
5.   Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
6.   "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your
shoes since you did this.
7.   While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
8.   Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
9.   Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
10.  Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, so you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
11.  Insist that your e-mail address be
     "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
12.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.
13.  Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products.  Forward the e-mail to a co-worker and ask  her to settle the disagreement.
14.  Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.. (VERY IMPORTANT)
15.  Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
16.  Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
17.  Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
18.  Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
19.  Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
20.  For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and
snorkel in the fish tank.  If no one notices, take out your snorkel
and  see how many you can catch in your mouth.
21.  Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom, and when people complain that there aren't any,    just lean back, pat your stomach, and say,  "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
22.  Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

       10.    I need to whip it out by 5.
       9.     Mind if I use your laptop?
       8.     Just stick it in my box.
       7.     If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
       6.     It's not fair...I do all the work while he just
                 sits there!
       5.     HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
       4.     My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
       3.     It's an entry-level position.
       2.     When do you think you'll be getting off today?
       And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but
       isn't:

       1.       I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

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