Recommendation Letter  Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time.  Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Project Leader A Memo was soon Sent Following this Letter: That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.  Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him. Regards -

Misc Unproductive Time It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our  observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter. Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:      5000 Surfing the Net      5001 Reading/Writing Social Email      5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)      5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail      5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail      5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail      5316 Meeting      5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting      5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting      5319 Waiting for Break      5320 Waiting for Lunch      5321 Waiting for End of Day      5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker      5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present      5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend      5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning      5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid      5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me      5481 Buying Snack      5482 Eating Snack      5500 Filling Out Time Sheet      5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries      5502 Waiting for Something to Happen      5503 Scratching Myself      5504 Sleeping      5510 Feeling Bored      5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)      5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)      5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)      5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)      5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)      5605 Bitching about Personal Problems      5610 Searching for a New Job      5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching      5701 Not Actually Present at Job      5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu      6102 Ordering Out      6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive      6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food      6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit      6201 Stealing Company Goods      6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods      6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls      6206 Gossiping      6207 Planning a Social Event      6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself      6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching      6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job      6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers      6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks      6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing      6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)      6602 Complaining      6603 Writing a Book on Company Time      6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time      6611 Staring Into Space      6612 Staring at Computer Screen      6615 Transcendental Meditation      7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)      7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone      7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone      7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone      7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone      7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone      7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone      7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone      7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone      7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)      7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity      8000 Recreational Drug Use

World’s Worst Interviews We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do.  Don't bite your nails.  Don't fidget.  Don't interrupt.  Don't belch.  If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.  But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music    at the same time." 3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office      a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger    and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by    having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific    interview questions." 8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap    dancing around my office." 9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went    through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.    Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out      a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping      longest at the centerfold." 13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's    brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start?   What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further."  He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up, and the contents      spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the      unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my    desk.  When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and    wanted my phone number.  I called security." 18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off.  Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Subject:       TODDLER LAWS OF OWNERSHIP A spin on all I needed to know about life, I learned in Kindergarten... TODDLER LAWS OF OWNERSHIP 1.     If I like it, it's mine 2.     If it's in my hand, it's mine 3.     If I can take it from you, it's mine 4.     If I had it a little while ago, it's mine 5.     If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way 6.     If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine 7.     If it looks just like mine, it's mine 8.     If I think it's mine, it's mine 9.     If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine 10.    If I...........................! ooops, sorry! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.